Oh the days…

I now realize why these day 1, day 2… day whatever the f’ are annoying me. It’s like when I used to run long distance. I’d push that extra mile because… I was on my 8 and to get to a goal of 10… I had to. You don’t want to start over. You made it this far. Eight long ass miles with only 2 more to go to say, “I did 10 miles!” and maybe next time, I’ll do 13. But non drinking days, oh, it feels different. I don’t have the same motivation. I should, but I don’t. I wonder if it’s because I haven’t hit that darn rock bottom yet. It’s not like I’m wanting or wishing for it; but I do wonder if I just need more motivation to get there. So I’m on day 0. Again. In fact, just saying that is depressing. I guess honestly I never did that when running. I still always achieved something more. What happened?

Snakes

I don’t know why I was swimming in a dark black lagoon with no end in sight. I shouldn’t say I was actually swimming, more like trying to get out. In the water there were these long biting snakes. There were other people in the lagoon with me. I honestly don’t even recall who they were. I just know we were trying to distract and get around the snakes. At one point, a couple of the people figured out how to kill a few of them. For a few moments I thought we’d get out. But then there were more. At one point, I thought let me close my eyes and just make run for it. There is no where else to go and if they bite me, they bite me.

This dream was the first I’ve had of this kind. I’ve had lots of horrible scary dreams in the past, ones about being chased, shot at… and then the annoying ones that repeat at certain times in my life. The roller coaster road dream, the elevator dream, the packing up in a rush dream. Those are the ones that came at different periods in my life. I’m still I think living with the packing up dream unless after last night, it will now be on repeat of snakes.

I wish it was clear what they meant and how to make them go away. I often wake up during my dreams and can remember almost everything. At least clearly for the first few minutes. If I write it down, longer.

There is definitely some irony to it. Today I was talking to a patient who compared one of her surgeries to a snake. To even hear her say “snake” was creepy.

Day 4

While it is only Day 1 of my blog here, it is day 4 of sobriety. I almost feel silly saying that. Like I should say, day 4 of not drinking. Am I allowed to say sobriety? Most would read this (and I, myself, will probably too in the future) as being just denial. I am torn between where I want to ‘place’ myself and I think the biggest reason is because you can’t go back. You call yourself an alcoholic, you are forever one. I don’t want to be ‘labeled’ - just like the kid with ADHD or Asperger’s… sure, is it part of them, yes, but is it all of them? No.

My history of getting to drinking too much was slow. I can’t remember exactly when it began but I can remember when it started becoming something I felt bad about. Which for me, isn’t all that hard. Maybe it was because I was raised in Catholic school but I think I feel guilty about everything. Tried cigarettes at 16, guilt. Was too clean with my room, almost OCD (probably actual OCD), guilt. I could feel guilty about anything really. Working out too much, guilt. Not working out enough, guilt. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

I also suffered from perfectionism. And that definitely was hard. No where near perfect but at some point in my life I thought, if I did this just right, then maybe people will like me. What that left me was just quite exhausted because quite honestly perfection is very hard to achieve.

So it was slow. Now I don’t wake up in the morning and crave a drink. I don’t even usually take a sip of a drink until dinnertime. But, then it can go until I fall sleep.

It doesn’t stop me from what I have to do. Life is still priority. If I have to work, I’m not struggling not to drink. If I have to pick up my kids, I’m not struggling not to drink. I do what I need to do and do it mighty well. I don’t wake up hung over. I don’t go out to the store to even buy alcohol if I don’t have it. But, I am technically drinking alone. I am drinking when I don’t need to and I do feel guilt the next day.

So I started slow too with deciding to stop. I tried a few days each week making it a point to not drink. It wasn’t excruciating. I would distract myself if I thought of it. I also asked for medication from my doctor in preparation who prescribed naltrexone which made me nauseated, which made me wonder… was that the point? I can’t drink or eat anything when I’m nauseated so win win. And later Antabuse, which quite honestly just deterred me from taking it vs. drinking.

But when I came to the point of saying, I’m just going to stop, I did it without anything. Or at least nothing else so far… come on, we are only on day 4 now. Still, I did my research, will I have withdraw? What if I had DTs? My goodness the internet will scare you. Taper, don’t taper. It’s a mess of information out there. I figured, just do it. If I felt something bad, just go down and grab some rum and take a few shots.

Well, here I am, feeling fine. Nothing feels different. Luckily, not even a shaky hand. Still, I guess I thought I’d wake up and see some beautiful glow, be a couple pounds lighter and feel like magic. The only thing that does feel better for sure is my conscience. While it’s still only 4 days, it’s four days without the nagging guilt of putting those extra calories and poison in my body the night before and that is something worth it.

Where I am

So it begins. I find myself in a fiercely wicked battle.
It seems so simple.
It doesn’t make sense.
It’s everywhere but nowhere.

What am I talking about?

Alcohol use.

I almost have to whisper it because it feels like a dirty word. It feels like admitting to drinking too much alcohol is like saying you are a dirty whore. Which, for some, could be both. Still, in society, isn’t it shameful to say that you drink too much alcohol? Or that you have a problem with it? You feel like everyone else can go about drinking that glass of wine with dinner a night while you finish the whole bottle. Why don’t you have as much self control?

That’s what it feels like.

From what I have seen going online so many people who get to the point of seeking help have already hit some kind of rock bottom. They have lost their jobs, maybe their marriages, even kids. Some talk about rehabs or having dual addictions with drugs. I feel like I just don’t identify. Maybe I’m not in the same boat as they are. Heck, maybe I don’t have a problem!

But then I read, the recommended amount of drinks per week is 7 and not more than 2 a day for women. We women always gets screwed don’t we. Men able to drink twice as much without being called a dirty little alcoholic.

And they describe this as ‘heavy drinking.’ Hell, I think I’ve done that in a day! Well, not every day… but over Saturday. A few day drinks, like a nice rum drink or fancy cider while gardening or doing yard work and then going out and a few more in evening with friends.

Regardless, according to statistics, I have a problem. I am a heavy drinker. I am baaaad….

Then according to the websites I seek for stories and advice, I’m just a little angel, no harm done, no major loss or court ordered classes.

So where I think I am… is just on the ledge… hence the name of this blog where I will continue to journal this experience. Hopefully, helpful to anyone else who doesn’t identify with people who hit rock bottom or for that matter, any rocks. I’m not saying I haven’t had a few bumps but maybe I’ve just been lucky.